CHAMPION
February 12th, 2012
Y’know, I don’t know what it is with all of you knuckle-dragging, dirt-eating, chain-smoking, NASCAR-watching, cousin-dating inbreeds, but it seems no matter where I go, everyone seems to get their jollies by calling me Jimmy Hart! The chants thunder and resound endlessly! You morons can’t even put an entire sentence together without dialing 1-800-HOOKED-ON-PHONICS for help, but you can flap them toothless, inbred gums together to chant the name of an old wrestling manager who I am absolutely nothing like!
Actually, before I go any further, I have to apologize. That's right, I'm apologizing. I just realized who I'm talking to. You're not knuckle-dragging, dirt-eating, chain-smoking, NASCAR-watching, cousin-dating inbreeds. This is the internet, after all. You're all a bunch of living-in-your- grandparent's-basement, socially inept, chat room-addicted, pocket protector-wearing, Star Trek-watching, never-dating, computer geeks! What, did you think that maybe I was going to compliment you by saying you were computer savvy smart marks? If you did, then you're all bigger losers than I first thought!
Getting back to my point, not only is “Risky Business” Ronnie Raines nothing like Jimmy Hart, I am far superior! Sure, he may be the "Mouth of the South" but I am, without question, the “World’s Sexiest Manager.” See? Not just the south, the WORLD! You Hulu-using dopes got that? And when it comes to accomplishments, there's no comparison. I mean, I can't even really think of anything significant Jimmy Hart has even done in his lackluster career except for maybe riding the coat tails of the Honky Tonk Man. "Risky Business" Ronnie Raines, on the other hand, has so many accomplishments, I would need weeks, years, decades to list them all. To spare your Ritalin-addled brains, I'll just rattle off a few to give you attention deficit disordered simpletons a mere glimpse of the World's Sexiest Manager's utter greatness.
Where to begin? Ah, yes! In 2000, yours truly was seen in the pages of PRO-WRESTLING ILLUSTRATED's annual PWI 500 Issue, noted as manager of the then-ranked Johnny Greco (#462) during his brutal feud with the Cremator – a legendary battle that raged throughout such promotions as Dangerzone Championship Wrestling and Iron Man Championship Wrestling. What, you don’t believe me? Go ahead, geeks, Google it!
Of course, who could forget my time in the National Wrestling Alliance? That's where Risky Business Inc. would welcome "The Sensei" Pat Tanaka to our illustrious fold! That's the very same Pat Tanaka who made up one half of the legendary AWA tag-team, Badd Company. That's the very same Pat Tanaka who made up one half of the WWF tag-team, The Orient Express. Yeah, it was THAT Pat Tanaka! Under my expert guidance, Tanaka would all but claim victory over the one and only Patriot. Of course, the red, white and blue boob was embarrassed about his near defeat at the hands of my man, Tanaka, in the NWA and had to pursue me to Iron Man Championship Wrestling to seek payback. Once again, the muscle-bound communist (yeah, that's right, I called the Patriot a COMMUNIST) was practically whitewashed by Risky Business Inc.'s own "Black Magic" Shaka.
See? I could go on and on listing my stellar media-coverage-worthy undertakings, right on up to now, where I've been nominated for the nationwide “2011 Independent Wrestling Manager of the Year” competition hosted by Smart Mark Radio. As of this writing, yours truly is firmly in control of 2nd place and gaining ground! And do you know why? It’s because I've managed top talent up and down the east coast conquering such states as Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Massachusetts and right here in the MAWA's home base of good ol’ Numb-Nuts, New Jersey! Oh, I’m sorry. I meant Sewer, New Jersey. Wait. Is that still wrong? It doesn’t matter if it's Sewer or Sewell because New Jersey - the Armpit of America - doesn’t matter! All that matters is I’ve got all the hot babes crawling all over me… and I’ve got all the guys wishin’ they were me!
To think, for one moment, with all of my sterling credentials, that all of you wanna-be graduates from the Star Fleet Academy have the absolute audacity to compare me to an annoying, has-been, little twerp with long, black hair is completely preposterous and incredibly unacceptable! I've had it up to here with you chanting his name over and over, “Jim-my Hart! Jim-my Hart! Jim-my Hart!” I am not an annoying, has-been, little twerp with long, black hair! I AM NOT JIMMY HART! I've said it before and I'll say it again until you keyboard licking shut-ins get it right! I am the “World’s Sexiest Manager” and, once I'm through with the Mid Atlantic Wrestling Alliance, all of your pathetic good-guys, like Ed House, High Voltage, Twiggy Ramirez, Warhead, and Biggie Biggs will be asking themselves the eternal question, “WHO WILL PUT THE DAMAGE ON?!!!”